Crisis over.

Had the best weekend...up till i got home at about 2/3ish pm on sunday (yeah...dirty stop out central). The got greeted by the drunken master telling me he'd signed up for haiti volunteer program as a driver for 6-12 months and all he was waiting for was flights to be allocated. At which point it felt like the bottom dropped out of my world and smashed into about a thousand pieces on the floor.

Since then I've had time to reflect, calm down...and have now learned that he didn't read the bit that said that he'll need six grand to participate to support himself whilst there so it looks unlikely that he's going anywhere...although miracles do sometimes happen obviously. Moody was amazing when i called him in tears and told him....and we spent monday afternoon together at his flat playing each other tunes and eating junk food and drinking tea, which was just what the doctor ordered. In a funny way all this has made me realise that i need to get on with my own thing more...once i've shifted this fucking cold which has come back with a vengeance since meeting Max who was lurgied to hell on saturday night. I consulted a psychic in the meantime to see what they had to say. And this time none of it rang true. My gut feelings are usually pretty good so I'm going with those rather than the other option.

Now what i need is some cdjs to practise on. Wish i could think of someone who had some.

New Years Resolutions aka THE PLAN

Ok, so I'm sort of over the hump of harrumphing about what a useless fuckwit my father is etc and now it's time to crack on with stuff. And to that end I have a list...call it NY resolutions or the Lys plan 2010, whichever sounds most likely.

1. Warmfront boiler fixing (have been told that this will be in the next 28 days ish)
2. Sort out huge burn in carpet in front room
3. Get house on market and sell up
4. Find nice modern purpose built 'contemporary' energy efficient flat that Loki and I can live in. I'm so over old and characterful which roughly translates as falling to pieces, expensive to heat and impossible to upkeep.
5. Get pcdj or some other software and soundcard kit which I can use. Bye bye vinyl addiction (expensive and heavy). Hello WAV files.
6. Buy midi keyboard which i can use to run absynth more easily
7. Look into costs of setting up special shop (posh pants etc)
8. If costs are low enough and funding not impossible to get, set up aforementioned shop and also website to go with.
9. Remix Voodoo Ray (this of course will mean that I have to master soundforge...and I definitely haven't yet but it's fun learning)
10. Learn to drive

Grown Ups are Stoooopid

WEll, I've just booked my train tickets to get my arse over to cambridge next week for the funeral. Looks like I'm going to have an exhausting couple of days as I'm travelling over after being in court with Euan and coming back late the next day. Going to stay with my aunt who is the polar opposite of my step mum. It'll be nice to see her, I just hope that her and rachel have stopped arguing about the service arrangements by the time I turn up - as is often the way in life it's all boiling down to religious disagreements. Francesca says 'grown ups are stooopid' I have to say i agree.

Deja Vu

Revisiting my post of a few days ago in my head as I just got off the phone to my dad. The emotional distance between us is currently further than from here to pluto and would be twice as difficult to cross. All I can think is 'so this is the man who put his cock in my mum and nine months later I popped out? Really?' He managed to skirt the whole issue of my boiler failure even though i made an attempt to tell him about it to see what he would say.

He is so skilled in refusing to see what is in front of his face. I told him that he isn't invited to comment on my state of employment (or lack of). He made a point of saying that I shouldn't go to the funeral through a sense of obligation. I told him that I loved Elizabeth, that I might not have seen her for a few years but that she meant a lot to me. I don't expect him to understand. He made some fatuous comment about how long it had been as if I had been trying to avoid her rather than the whole nightmare of family christmas bullshit. All i can say is there are none so blind as those that cannot see. Tried to call Jess but she's not answering.

Normal service shall resume shortly.

Have spent the early part of the afternoon cleaning up the sitting room so that the lady who is babysitting Loki tomorrow night won't scream and back out of the door in horror when she comes round to meet me and small this evening. That was after spending the morning on gumtree and the phone trying to work out if it was even possible to find a last minute babysitting solution that doesn't cost a kings ransom.

I think I've cracked it! Hooray Hooray...cinders shall go to the ball etc.

Now I have to make vodka jellies. For this I need to go and find a)Vodka and b) Jelly and c) an effective vodka jelly recipe. Then I have to decide whether I'm dressing as vampy but covered up or disco slut. Hmmm. Decisions decisions. What i really really want for some absurd reason is a pair of gold sequinned hotpants I never wear gold, why gold I ask myself) that I can wear over my leggings with a corset and biker boots. A Good Look, ce n'est pas???

Goodbye Elizabeth

Just got off the phone to my favourite cousin who called to tell me that my last living grandparent (albeit a step one) died last night. I am feeling unexpectedly upset. I think the fact that she was the first person along with her long dead husband who welcomed me into the new branch of the family when I was little. They always made me feel like a part of it all, even though my step mum didn't at the time. I will miss you Elizabeth, and I always loved you. Have said to Francesca that I want to go to the funeral and I'll be really upset if I'm not invited, despite the kerfuffle of the last year with my dad and Rachel since my birthday. You were such an invincible woman...for some reason I think I always believed that you would outlast everybody else.

The cat is in honour of Pud who was Elizabeths favourite ginger companion after David died.

Daddy Dearest

If we are the products of the sum total of our experiences at the hand of our parents and the way we relate to others within our adult relationships are because of the things we learned from our primary 'romantic' relationships with our mothers and fathers...

well, all I can say is that my Dad really did a number on me. I think I have unresolved abandonment issues. As well as my obvious tendency to fall for those that are emotionally unavailable. This next year is going to be the year that I have some therapy to try and work things out. I'm a strong girl (or so I'm always being told), but I could do with some help. And maybe tell my Dad to go fuck himself for once and for all (something i really should have done years ago).Which would be easier if there weren't still some weird part of me that wants his love and approval. God knows he hasn't done anything to earn mine - and I'm not counting the token gestures that he chucks my way occasionally when it suits him (if Rachel approves of course, god forbid that he would ever do anything to help me when I ask without having to get the nod from her first ffs)

All i can think is that when Loki is older, if he ever needs anything from me I will never ask anyone's permission to take action.